Living with both Diabetes and an Eating Disorder
I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for as long as I remember. Years of over-analysing leads me back to when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (insulin-dependent). At a pivotal time in my life - starting secondary school - my life was turned upside down and suddenly everything in my world revolved around food. As part of my new eating regime, I had to eat SIX times a day...breakfast, mid-morning, lunch, mid-afternoon, dinner and supper! Everything I did had some connection with food...would I need to eat more to do P.E? Was I high and needed to eat less? Am I carrying around enough food with me in case I can't get sugar if I need it? My weight increased from diagnosis throughout school. I was teased about my weight for most of the time I was there. I also discovered 'food-freedom' from my parents' understandable strict eating regime, and suddenly all I wanted to eat was everything I shouldn't - sweets, cakes, crisps - and more than I should of the things I could eat (essentially I suppose I was rebelling as my eating was controlled with what I could eat, as well as portion size.). This habit, I still fight with everyday. The older and more self-sufficient I got, the more my money went on food it shouldn't. I'd find myself looking at people eating, and want whatever they had. Problem was, I wouldn't just look at one person for a day...so if I saw 3 people eating cakes, I'd think 'well I'm normal, I'm no different to them, I can eat that too' and did.
Several life experiences later, I now couldn't even guess how many times I think about food during a day...pretty much constantly would be the best guess I could give. If i'm not eating, I'm thinking about what I want to eat, or feeling guilty for what I have eaten. Everyday I wake up telling myself I'm only going to eat 3 small meals a day, I'm not going to eat anything bad, I'm not going to overeat - how easy is that to do??? millions of people do it everyday...so why when the cravings and urges come, can I not resist it? and once I've broken my aim, it's downhill from there...the disappointment in myself sets in, and gets comforted by binge after binge, and the more I eat, the guiltier I feel. And with binging comes the secret eating - the lengths I go to sometimes still shock me....going to different shops to get more food so people don't judge the amount I'm eating and thinking people will just 'know'. I've even made up I'm having a kids birthday party, or 'it's not for me' statements, or 'it's our week's shopping'. I make excuses to go to the shops in the evenings, and/or at the weekends just so I have some time on my own where I can binge with nobody knowing. I actually start to feel excited when I know I'm going to be home alone as I can binge whilst I'm totally alone. I'm at the stage now where I am so conscious of over-eating in front of people, that I barely eat in front of people at all.
I hate every single inch of my body. With my diabetes, insulin is a hormone that encourages fat.....and eating lots of rubbish to start with doesn't help, so I'm hit two-fold. Added to that is the cellulite on my legs, hips and arms that is absolutely disgusting - these are my injection sites so I guess it's no wonder that fat builds up in these places and causes the cellulite. Then on top of that as well a few years ago I gave up smoking and my weight increased by over a stone in a matter of weeks. The feelings I experienced during this period left me desperate and depressed. The panic of not having any control over my weight increases, and then knowing I was making it worse by binging gave me such a huge amount of guilt, I would end up in a very emotional, depressive state. My binging got worse, much worse. To combat this I went into exercise overdrive, doing 2 workouts a day. Unfortunately this didn't combat the amount I was eating.
The disappointment I feel about myself is overwhelming, I just don't understand why I find it so difficult to control what I eat. I am also amazingly ashamed. The feelings I experience are all-consuming and the most over-powering feelings I have ever felt...I couldn't even begin to explain how powerful they are. I am so worried about people judging me, but my ultimate fear? People thinking I'm just fat and greedy. But I suppose I know really, that secretly eating, endless thoughts about food and how it affects everything I do, can't just be normal.
To me, it's no surprise that some people with Diabetes have ED's, and there is a link...I'm just shocked that the link is not recognised by more professionals. I know I'm not alone. And if I know that, why don't others?
Several life experiences later, I now couldn't even guess how many times I think about food during a day...pretty much constantly would be the best guess I could give. If i'm not eating, I'm thinking about what I want to eat, or feeling guilty for what I have eaten. Everyday I wake up telling myself I'm only going to eat 3 small meals a day, I'm not going to eat anything bad, I'm not going to overeat - how easy is that to do??? millions of people do it everyday...so why when the cravings and urges come, can I not resist it? and once I've broken my aim, it's downhill from there...the disappointment in myself sets in, and gets comforted by binge after binge, and the more I eat, the guiltier I feel. And with binging comes the secret eating - the lengths I go to sometimes still shock me....going to different shops to get more food so people don't judge the amount I'm eating and thinking people will just 'know'. I've even made up I'm having a kids birthday party, or 'it's not for me' statements, or 'it's our week's shopping'. I make excuses to go to the shops in the evenings, and/or at the weekends just so I have some time on my own where I can binge with nobody knowing. I actually start to feel excited when I know I'm going to be home alone as I can binge whilst I'm totally alone. I'm at the stage now where I am so conscious of over-eating in front of people, that I barely eat in front of people at all.
I hate every single inch of my body. With my diabetes, insulin is a hormone that encourages fat.....and eating lots of rubbish to start with doesn't help, so I'm hit two-fold. Added to that is the cellulite on my legs, hips and arms that is absolutely disgusting - these are my injection sites so I guess it's no wonder that fat builds up in these places and causes the cellulite. Then on top of that as well a few years ago I gave up smoking and my weight increased by over a stone in a matter of weeks. The feelings I experienced during this period left me desperate and depressed. The panic of not having any control over my weight increases, and then knowing I was making it worse by binging gave me such a huge amount of guilt, I would end up in a very emotional, depressive state. My binging got worse, much worse. To combat this I went into exercise overdrive, doing 2 workouts a day. Unfortunately this didn't combat the amount I was eating.
The disappointment I feel about myself is overwhelming, I just don't understand why I find it so difficult to control what I eat. I am also amazingly ashamed. The feelings I experience are all-consuming and the most over-powering feelings I have ever felt...I couldn't even begin to explain how powerful they are. I am so worried about people judging me, but my ultimate fear? People thinking I'm just fat and greedy. But I suppose I know really, that secretly eating, endless thoughts about food and how it affects everything I do, can't just be normal.
To me, it's no surprise that some people with Diabetes have ED's, and there is a link...I'm just shocked that the link is not recognised by more professionals. I know I'm not alone. And if I know that, why don't others?
