Today's blog entry I will be breaking the silence around eating disorders, more specifically my eating disorder. Beat's message is simple; don't suffer in silence, talk to somebody if you think you have a problem. However, hark the hypocrit sings, my eating disorder was something I could not even comprehend talking to somebody about. The thought of it purely terrified me. How on earth could I tell somebody?
There were many reasons why I couldn't talk to somebody, and when I did it took a lot of courage, just to have it thrown back in my face at times. I was suffering from Bulimia Nervosa. I was bingeing vast quantities of food in a short period of time which was then followed by purging, laxative abuse and occasionally excessive exercising. This was happening up to 10 times a day. Every living moment was dictated by it. After months of this I became an expert. I could do it without people even realising. I found numerous ways to hide my purging, nobody could find out about it. Why? Because I was disgusted with myself, I was racked with guilt at what I was doing. It felt like blasphemy. How could I be so greedy, so out of control, so revolting? Who could voluntarily make themselves sick? Everyone hates being sick.... And what about all of those poor kids in Africa who have no food, and there I am wasting it down a toilet bowl. Not to mention laxative abuse, it's just disgusting to even think about... So I hid it, I hid it from everyone. It was my own little secret. As it got worse and worse I realised that I did in fact have a problem, I recognised the symptoms, I had bulimia. The DSM-IV would be proud of me. But I still couldn't tell anyone, because yes, I knew I had an eating disorder, but I thought, perpetuated by the then media perception, that to have an eating disorder you must be emaciated. In my distorted and warped view of myself, I thought "I'm the largest heffalump going, certainly not thin, therefore I don't have an eating disorder"... So I continued to hide it, I continued to suffer in silence. It was not until my parents found out and confronted me that I was taken to see the Dr's. But even then I couldn't admit the extent to which my illness had control of me. I was still so disgusted with myself.
When I went on to develop Anorexia Nervosa, these same thoughts came into my mind; I am not thin enough to suffer from anorexia, therefore I don't need help... So yet again, I seemed to be suffering in silence. I became resistant to treatment as the anorexic voice was telling me that I wasn't ill enough as I wasn't "thin". Starting to sound like a vicious circle? This ended with a rather large bang when I started adult services, and I was rejected by the then local eating disorders service for weighing too much. Well, that was it for me. It perpetuated every anorexic thought in my head and led me to spiral damn near out of control.
However, 2 years down the line, without a single drop of ED services, I'm doing pretty damn fine thank you very much :) I've been able to realise that those same services that were supposed to help, in fact hindered a lot as well by putting so much emphasis on weight, BMI's and calories. My mind might not be anywhere near sorted yet, but physically, I'd like to say I'm doing pretty damn well.
I think back now and wonder, if there wasn't this media perception about 'eating disorder = thin', would I have sought help sooner? Would I have been more willing to accept treatment? Who knows... All I know is that this is one of the reasons why I co-founded Hungry for Change to make a difference in this world; to make sure that other people didn't have to suffer the way I did, and for there to be more awareness. Even if we can change one person's perspective it'll be worthwhile.
So there it is, this is me breaking the silence around eating disorders and my experiences.
Hope y'all have a great wednesday :) xxx
There were many reasons why I couldn't talk to somebody, and when I did it took a lot of courage, just to have it thrown back in my face at times. I was suffering from Bulimia Nervosa. I was bingeing vast quantities of food in a short period of time which was then followed by purging, laxative abuse and occasionally excessive exercising. This was happening up to 10 times a day. Every living moment was dictated by it. After months of this I became an expert. I could do it without people even realising. I found numerous ways to hide my purging, nobody could find out about it. Why? Because I was disgusted with myself, I was racked with guilt at what I was doing. It felt like blasphemy. How could I be so greedy, so out of control, so revolting? Who could voluntarily make themselves sick? Everyone hates being sick.... And what about all of those poor kids in Africa who have no food, and there I am wasting it down a toilet bowl. Not to mention laxative abuse, it's just disgusting to even think about... So I hid it, I hid it from everyone. It was my own little secret. As it got worse and worse I realised that I did in fact have a problem, I recognised the symptoms, I had bulimia. The DSM-IV would be proud of me. But I still couldn't tell anyone, because yes, I knew I had an eating disorder, but I thought, perpetuated by the then media perception, that to have an eating disorder you must be emaciated. In my distorted and warped view of myself, I thought "I'm the largest heffalump going, certainly not thin, therefore I don't have an eating disorder"... So I continued to hide it, I continued to suffer in silence. It was not until my parents found out and confronted me that I was taken to see the Dr's. But even then I couldn't admit the extent to which my illness had control of me. I was still so disgusted with myself.
When I went on to develop Anorexia Nervosa, these same thoughts came into my mind; I am not thin enough to suffer from anorexia, therefore I don't need help... So yet again, I seemed to be suffering in silence. I became resistant to treatment as the anorexic voice was telling me that I wasn't ill enough as I wasn't "thin". Starting to sound like a vicious circle? This ended with a rather large bang when I started adult services, and I was rejected by the then local eating disorders service for weighing too much. Well, that was it for me. It perpetuated every anorexic thought in my head and led me to spiral damn near out of control.
However, 2 years down the line, without a single drop of ED services, I'm doing pretty damn fine thank you very much :) I've been able to realise that those same services that were supposed to help, in fact hindered a lot as well by putting so much emphasis on weight, BMI's and calories. My mind might not be anywhere near sorted yet, but physically, I'd like to say I'm doing pretty damn well.
I think back now and wonder, if there wasn't this media perception about 'eating disorder = thin', would I have sought help sooner? Would I have been more willing to accept treatment? Who knows... All I know is that this is one of the reasons why I co-founded Hungry for Change to make a difference in this world; to make sure that other people didn't have to suffer the way I did, and for there to be more awareness. Even if we can change one person's perspective it'll be worthwhile.
So there it is, this is me breaking the silence around eating disorders and my experiences.
Hope y'all have a great wednesday :) xxx
